thoughts of a gurl like me.....

My Mum, Dedication and Tribute

2008-08-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

The woman i owe my life to. The women i respect and look up to, but also admire greatly and love with all my heart. My mum, my hero. No one can fully understand why i admire and respect her so much, but heres and insight all the same.

Married to my dad at 23. Had me at 24. When going through labour with me my mum split a bone in her pelvis, and due to the trauma of this she then got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). It took 8years for the doctors to diagnose her with CFS. In which time space she had my little brother, exaclty 5 and a half years after me.

This brings me to the fact that if the doctors had given my mum the right medical attention i.e. given he a C-section then she would not be classed as disabled. I used to blame myself quite a lot. "It's my life that caused her pain." However i now know that my mum didnt get the right medical attention but also that if she hadnt had the problems she does then maybe i wouldnt be writting this.

I cant say i remember all of my childhood. I do remembe being called "special baby" by my mum, as i have learn in later life, the reason for this nickname was because my mum had 40% chance of having children, because she had cists on her ovaries. After some minor keyhole surgery, she fell pregnant with me. My mother really does believe im special and that i am a gift, as most mothers do. The thing is though through my birth she ended up with health problems as stated above. It is simply amazing that my mother doesnt resent me in the slightest for ruinng one part of her life. Although in her eyes i started another part, a better part according to her.

Back to the story of my little brother however. My mum was given a C-section as things were a little compliated. Im not sure of all the details, my mum doesnt talk about it much. I know this much though. At some point during labour or her pregnancy she was given morphine. My brother was born addicted to the drugs, and was very ill. He spent the first six weeks of his life in a incubator, fighting for his life. My mum couldnt breast feed him as her breast milk was contaiminated with the drugs also, so he was bottle fed for the first while. When mum's milk was uncontaiminated she tryed to get him to breast feed, but being used to bottle by now, this proved to be a giant task. It took my mum nearly 2weeks to get him to breast feed. I have heard that doing this is near impossible but my mum did. Even though she must have been in so much pain due to her own health problems. This alone would gane all mother's respect and it certainly gained mine.

My mum never accepted much help, with anything but when i was old enough (11), she asked me to help around the house. Before this i had helped when asked, now i was being asked to help every week. None of my other friends were helping at home, yet i was. I didnt really understand how much my mum would come to value my help. Now i do as much as i can, it doesnt bother me, it is simply things i have to do. My mum has become pretty reliant on me and i almost enjoy it. I like being needed and i like being appreciated, but i couldnt enjoy this feeling as i know it was very hard formy mum to as for help. My brother also helps now. Although like me he doesnt enjoy or understand as much as i do.

My mum has always got up about an half an hour earlier to take pain killers so as we dont have to see in her in that much pain. When people come over, and i ask "Are you okay?" to my mum, they dont know what i see. I know straight of if my mum is having a bad day, but also whe she is having a good day, there are many of both. The bad days are heart-breaking. When i have to watch while she moves a little slower and a little more stiffly. Strangers dont see it, not how i do. Good days often turn in to the best days, when shes feeling good. Shes so happy and vibrant. I wish she had the energy to be like that everyday. We cant always have what we wish for.

I would love to say that I have a really normal and perfect family. I really dont, in truth though, who does?

My mum is incredibly independent, strong but also very stubborn at times. These are qualities i hope that i have inherited. If i was even half the mother my mum has been and is then i would proud. My mums is the best mum i could ever ask for, and i would be so lost without her. So would my family.

Again no words i know could describe her, but i have tryed my best. My mum will always be my hero, one day i hope she realises that she is.

Edit?

2008-08-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

Someone brug it to my attention that, while boy anorexic and bulemics were mentioned briefly in my last post, girls were indeed my main rant focus..Why? because i am on i suppose.

I would like to take this chance to say that most guys who have eating problems dont have the same route cause.It would seems that any guys who end up with eating problems have them because they used to be "fat" or bigger than they were. It then becomes less of a diet and more of an obcession. This is when the problem of eating disorders take control of that person and munipulate them into thinking that they are in control.

If any guys have/had and eating disorder and would like to offer me more information for this post I'd be grateful (:

ranting?

2008-08-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

ah yes, i do rant a lot, even sometimes in my own head. =D

todays rant?

ohh size zero perhaps...
i have one question...how do clothes look better on skin and bones...? and not REAL girls...
it is near impossible to get down to a size zero (UK 4) without the aid of many teenage girls or boys best friends ana (anorexia) or mia (bulemia)...Gosh well doesn't starving yourself and making yourself sick sound like a bundle of fun?...It is not, you may ask how i would know, well..not long ago i had some problems with food...i restricted my calories and purged very frequently. It is a particular mind set that made me think that those size zero models were what all girls should look like..it is not. Do not be fooled. The average size of a british women is size 16. Personally I'm a size 12, for a good length of time i was fooled into thinking that size 12 was fat. for my height (5"7ish) im about normal weight and size. Do i still think that? Sometimes yes i do. Do i still obcess about dieting? Again Yes sometimes...but it never really comes to much. i dont have the same "control" i used to. When actuaally what i was doing was controlling me. The media presents females with TINY body shapes and sizes...how is any girl suposed to think anything different when all around her girls are being almost brainwashed into think that starving to be a small size is fine..well let me tell you it is not fine or natural.

The solution, don't let you child look at models on TV or in fashion magazines until they are old enough to understand how unnatural it is!